I'm wearing a skirt I haven't been able to wear in over 3 years.
YAY for clothes shopping in the "Save it until I can fit in it again" section of my closet!
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Healing & Restoration
I cannot begin to articulate the healing God is doing in my life as of late. After my post from yesterday (even if it was a previously authored piece) and the events of yesterday, I feel I need to post a follow up to let you know that God's timing is perfect, not ours. Yesterday's post expressed some bitterness and anger which in all honesty, did control me for several months following my break up. However, I can truthfully say that God is healing those broken, dead places of my heart and life. Not only that but He is confirming my call to ministry in ways I never imagined were possible. Let me take you to my favorite post form to show you exactly what I mean...THE LIST:
1. In the 24 hour period of Monday night to Tuesday night, I was able to witness/encourage 3 people in my life-a co-worker, a close friend, and a family member.
2. Last night, I ministered to a 17 year old girl who had just come back to church after a long stretch of being out.
3. Sunday evening I delievered a word (via e-mail) to someone I am carrying a heavy burden for and was scared to death I had missed God. But he had received the exact same word earlier in the day and didn't realize it was for him.
4. Last night, I had a 2 hour long conversation w/the ex I have been so hurt over and truly felt God restoring so much through that exchange.
5. I have received text messages for the past several days from various members of said ex's family letting me know they love me which is an encouragement that God can bring good out of bad situations.
6. God spoke through our evangelist who said a prayer over all minister's children calling us to a greater annointing than our parents and calling for greater works, greater finances, and greater signs through us. The night before that prayer, I broke the bondage the devil had me in over the insecurity and fear of failure within my ministry.
So now, I walk in confidence, not in myself, but in Christ Jesus within me who gives me strength, wisdom and power to not simply do ministry, but to do it successfully. I am a powerful woman of God-even the ex spoke that over me last night in our church parking lot (SHOCKER, I know)-and am called to a ministry of which no one has seen the likes before. God has gifted me in many areas and given me such a passion for His people and His church and I know that He will fulfill all the dreams He has given me in due season. As Israel Houghton declares, I am "armed and dangerous, strong and serious, clothed in righteousness"-I'm a new breed of Christian!
Blessings,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
1. In the 24 hour period of Monday night to Tuesday night, I was able to witness/encourage 3 people in my life-a co-worker, a close friend, and a family member.
2. Last night, I ministered to a 17 year old girl who had just come back to church after a long stretch of being out.
3. Sunday evening I delievered a word (via e-mail) to someone I am carrying a heavy burden for and was scared to death I had missed God. But he had received the exact same word earlier in the day and didn't realize it was for him.
4. Last night, I had a 2 hour long conversation w/the ex I have been so hurt over and truly felt God restoring so much through that exchange.
5. I have received text messages for the past several days from various members of said ex's family letting me know they love me which is an encouragement that God can bring good out of bad situations.
6. God spoke through our evangelist who said a prayer over all minister's children calling us to a greater annointing than our parents and calling for greater works, greater finances, and greater signs through us. The night before that prayer, I broke the bondage the devil had me in over the insecurity and fear of failure within my ministry.
So now, I walk in confidence, not in myself, but in Christ Jesus within me who gives me strength, wisdom and power to not simply do ministry, but to do it successfully. I am a powerful woman of God-even the ex spoke that over me last night in our church parking lot (SHOCKER, I know)-and am called to a ministry of which no one has seen the likes before. God has gifted me in many areas and given me such a passion for His people and His church and I know that He will fulfill all the dreams He has given me in due season. As Israel Houghton declares, I am "armed and dangerous, strong and serious, clothed in righteousness"-I'm a new breed of Christian!
Blessings,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Love Lessons
***NOTE***
I authored the majority of this post on February 21 but finished the last paragraph today. So much progress has been made in this area of my life yet I still feel my words are relevant so I decided to post it anyway.
******************************************************************
Long a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, I have never desired to speak publicly on this topic...until now. Last night, I was speaking with a friend from church who has two daughters ages 14 & 11. Our conversation in addition to others similar to it and my own personal struggles of late have inspired a serious time of soul-searching for me and I have to say, I'm scared of what I've discovered.
In previous posts I have mentioned the most recent of my romantic relationship heartbreaks of which I am still reeling from the effects. Sadly, even after 2 months I'm still dealing with the lack of closure and emotional fragility of the situation. (I have also developed a grave bitterness towards him and men in general which I am attempting to overcome daily.) But during these recent conversations with women that I respect and admire, something has struck a chord within me---Why do I set myself up for disappointment in relationships in spite of knowing that a man cannot fulfill my deepest desires and needs, all the while being fully aware of what's at stake-my fragile heart?
Last weekend, during my east Texas travels I came across a couple cds that I burned from my former roommate and good friend Bri. She stays on top of the music scene (well, the Christian, pop & r&b scenes anyway) and is now living in Nashville. We share similar music interests and she let me rip some upbeat, new songs from her ipod to use during my workouts. Having not heard this collection in 8 months or so I threw it in my cd player in the car and was immediately flooded with memories from summer of 2007-working 2 jobs that I loved, hanging out late with friends, being in long distance love, working out 2 times a day, and being happy overall. Wow-how time changes things! But I digress. The almost-lost point of this story is that on that cd of songs I heard the following:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
It's a shame in a way 'cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me.
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face?
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be?
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
No I can't be with you
'Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, I can't claim this as my anthem, YET. But I sing it like it already is and soon it will be and I'll look back on this whole ordeal and say "Thank you, God".
Okay, before I get too distracted again let me state my semi-obvious point: No human being is capable of satisfying my deepest desires and could never supply my innermost needs. And the moment I realize this-and I mean really realize this-is the moment I completely surrender my will and my ways to God. I spend a lot of my time, less now that I live in TX but a lot nonetheless, pleasing people and seeking acceptance from others-family, friends, members of the opposite sex, church members...the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I love all those people dearly and would not trade my relationships with them for anything. Well, there is one thing-the approval of my heavenly Father. See, all my efforts to make others like me or accept me is futile if I don't use equal (rather, more) effort in pleasing God. He made me-made me-all my quirks, OCD tendencies, strengths and flaws. So why do I find it so hard to understand that He knows the longings and yearnings of my heart-my romance, my career, my ministry, my family (future & present), my relationships, my education-every aspect of my life??? Is it because I am too fearful to release control to Him because I feel He may not come through? For me personally, I think that's the answer. Though I know God has proven Himself more times than I could count and is the Waymaker, for some reason I feel that He may let me down just once. Even though I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is unable to fail. Releasing control...that's my thorn in my flesh.
For far too long, I thought my life would begin when I met my future mate and we began a life together. Yet all the while, my life had already started and I was simply wasting time. So I made the decision to live my life NOW. God didn't make me half a person to only be completed when I meet my "other/better half". He created me whole and with my own individual purpose to complete all by myself. And so today Father, I yield to Your Will, Your Plan, and Your Way. But most of all, I release control to You. Your Ways are higher than my ways, your Thoughts higher than my thoughts. So right now, in this moment, I will rest in the comfort and peace that is Your PERFECT Love.
Gratefully Yours,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
I authored the majority of this post on February 21 but finished the last paragraph today. So much progress has been made in this area of my life yet I still feel my words are relevant so I decided to post it anyway.
******************************************************************
Long a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, I have never desired to speak publicly on this topic...until now. Last night, I was speaking with a friend from church who has two daughters ages 14 & 11. Our conversation in addition to others similar to it and my own personal struggles of late have inspired a serious time of soul-searching for me and I have to say, I'm scared of what I've discovered.
In previous posts I have mentioned the most recent of my romantic relationship heartbreaks of which I am still reeling from the effects. Sadly, even after 2 months I'm still dealing with the lack of closure and emotional fragility of the situation. (I have also developed a grave bitterness towards him and men in general which I am attempting to overcome daily.) But during these recent conversations with women that I respect and admire, something has struck a chord within me---Why do I set myself up for disappointment in relationships in spite of knowing that a man cannot fulfill my deepest desires and needs, all the while being fully aware of what's at stake-my fragile heart?
Last weekend, during my east Texas travels I came across a couple cds that I burned from my former roommate and good friend Bri. She stays on top of the music scene (well, the Christian, pop & r&b scenes anyway) and is now living in Nashville. We share similar music interests and she let me rip some upbeat, new songs from her ipod to use during my workouts. Having not heard this collection in 8 months or so I threw it in my cd player in the car and was immediately flooded with memories from summer of 2007-working 2 jobs that I loved, hanging out late with friends, being in long distance love, working out 2 times a day, and being happy overall. Wow-how time changes things! But I digress. The almost-lost point of this story is that on that cd of songs I heard the following:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
It's a shame in a way 'cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me.
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face?
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be?
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
No I can't be with you
'Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, I can't claim this as my anthem, YET. But I sing it like it already is and soon it will be and I'll look back on this whole ordeal and say "Thank you, God".
Okay, before I get too distracted again let me state my semi-obvious point: No human being is capable of satisfying my deepest desires and could never supply my innermost needs. And the moment I realize this-and I mean really realize this-is the moment I completely surrender my will and my ways to God. I spend a lot of my time, less now that I live in TX but a lot nonetheless, pleasing people and seeking acceptance from others-family, friends, members of the opposite sex, church members...the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I love all those people dearly and would not trade my relationships with them for anything. Well, there is one thing-the approval of my heavenly Father. See, all my efforts to make others like me or accept me is futile if I don't use equal (rather, more) effort in pleasing God. He made me-made me-all my quirks, OCD tendencies, strengths and flaws. So why do I find it so hard to understand that He knows the longings and yearnings of my heart-my romance, my career, my ministry, my family (future & present), my relationships, my education-every aspect of my life??? Is it because I am too fearful to release control to Him because I feel He may not come through? For me personally, I think that's the answer. Though I know God has proven Himself more times than I could count and is the Waymaker, for some reason I feel that He may let me down just once. Even though I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is unable to fail. Releasing control...that's my thorn in my flesh.
For far too long, I thought my life would begin when I met my future mate and we began a life together. Yet all the while, my life had already started and I was simply wasting time. So I made the decision to live my life NOW. God didn't make me half a person to only be completed when I meet my "other/better half". He created me whole and with my own individual purpose to complete all by myself. And so today Father, I yield to Your Will, Your Plan, and Your Way. But most of all, I release control to You. Your Ways are higher than my ways, your Thoughts higher than my thoughts. So right now, in this moment, I will rest in the comfort and peace that is Your PERFECT Love.
Gratefully Yours,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Monday, May 5, 2008
I survived...barely
As much as I would like to write a long, drawn-out description of my weekend-I don't have the time. But here's a short re-cap via list form (which you all know I LOVE)...
*Friday:
~ran home to grab forgotten items
~briefly caught up w/Ash (friend who was supposed to dbl-date w/me & Rich Sat.)
~attended 11 y.o. bday party (luau theme, FABULOUS homemade cake-good job Dustie!, 5 10-12 y.o. screaming girls for less than 2 hours-best birth control EVER, jump rope, stroll around the block-which I considered 1 of my 2 goal workouts, chatting w/Dust & heading home at 9 before I passed out on their couch)
~cleaned everything out of car for trade-in
~convo w/little bro for 30 mins or so
~nails (which turned out horrible)
~bed
*Saturday:
~up at 7:50 (almost an hour later than anticipated but sleep is GOOD)
~Saturn through car wash
~drove to Honda in Frisco (got lost 2x)
~11am-3:30pm bought new car (04 Honda CR-V-beautiful! YAY!)
~11:30am-9pm worst headache EVER!!!
~5pm 12 y.o. bday party
~6pm find out Rich can't make dbl date until 8:30 or 9
~call Ash to tell her about Rich prob
~her date is already at her house
~he gets mad but she comes to Paris anyway
~out to dinner & a little shopping w/Ash
~Rich still wants to come up
~he comes over for an hour-is VERY nervous/uncomfortable
~he & Ash leave
~BED
*Sunday:
(maybe the whole time thing works better for list form too)
~2:15am Woke up w/sore throat feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Took Tylenol & Allegra (to help w/allergies) and waited forever to fall back asleep
~8:00am Woke up and felt better after having a shower. Did NOT feel like teaching Sunday school or even going to church (as I had my "man voice" and didn't know how I'd be able to sing)
~9:15am Prepared visitor's gifts/packets for revival
~9:45am Taught Sunday School-the kids were manageable for the most part-a little chatty but that's typical
~10:30ish am BLOWOUT revival service w/Pastor Dale Wright of Bristol, TN (who is at the very least a prophet/preacher and is an amazing preacher)
~2:30pm Leave church and head to lunch at TaMolly's
~4:00pm Arrive home w/Gabe and play/watch Nemo for an hour
~5:20pm Leave to go back to church
~6:00pm Begin 2nd revival service of the day (just as incredible, if not more so, than the 1st)
~10:30pm Arrive home w/NO VOICE and have brief convo w/pastor's wife
~11:40pm After checking e-mail, comp updates, etc. take shower
~Midnight Go to bed
And here we are...Monday morning-almost lunch time. I am so excited about revival but NOT excited about losing my voice. I hate when this happens right when I have important stuff going on. But Pastor Wright is such a breath of fresh air. His style is much like that of many services I sat in during my time in Cleveland so it is an encouragement to know that this kind of annointing and flow are still out there. God has already done miraculous things for me (especially my ministry) and many of the people in our church. And I know it's only going to get better!
So this week will be filled w/church, more Mother's Day prep, a visit to Grandmother's over the weekend, getting ready for the church picnic on Sunday, VBS/Sunday School/CE prep, and lots of other things I suppose. I'll update when I can but who knows when that will be... I've already got a list of 6 things to do just on my lunch break today so we'll see how all this goes. Many blessings to you all & know that my prayers are going up for you! We are more than conquerors and are made victorious through our Savior, Jesus Christ!
Blessings,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
*Friday:
~ran home to grab forgotten items
~briefly caught up w/Ash (friend who was supposed to dbl-date w/me & Rich Sat.)
~attended 11 y.o. bday party (luau theme, FABULOUS homemade cake-good job Dustie!, 5 10-12 y.o. screaming girls for less than 2 hours-best birth control EVER, jump rope, stroll around the block-which I considered 1 of my 2 goal workouts, chatting w/Dust & heading home at 9 before I passed out on their couch)
~cleaned everything out of car for trade-in
~convo w/little bro for 30 mins or so
~nails (which turned out horrible)
~bed
*Saturday:
~up at 7:50 (almost an hour later than anticipated but sleep is GOOD)
~Saturn through car wash
~drove to Honda in Frisco (got lost 2x)
~11am-3:30pm bought new car (04 Honda CR-V-beautiful! YAY!)
~11:30am-9pm worst headache EVER!!!
~5pm 12 y.o. bday party
~6pm find out Rich can't make dbl date until 8:30 or 9
~call Ash to tell her about Rich prob
~her date is already at her house
~he gets mad but she comes to Paris anyway
~out to dinner & a little shopping w/Ash
~Rich still wants to come up
~he comes over for an hour-is VERY nervous/uncomfortable
~he & Ash leave
~BED
*Sunday:
(maybe the whole time thing works better for list form too)
~2:15am Woke up w/sore throat feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Took Tylenol & Allegra (to help w/allergies) and waited forever to fall back asleep
~8:00am Woke up and felt better after having a shower. Did NOT feel like teaching Sunday school or even going to church (as I had my "man voice" and didn't know how I'd be able to sing)
~9:15am Prepared visitor's gifts/packets for revival
~9:45am Taught Sunday School-the kids were manageable for the most part-a little chatty but that's typical
~10:30ish am BLOWOUT revival service w/Pastor Dale Wright of Bristol, TN (who is at the very least a prophet/preacher and is an amazing preacher)
~2:30pm Leave church and head to lunch at TaMolly's
~4:00pm Arrive home w/Gabe and play/watch Nemo for an hour
~5:20pm Leave to go back to church
~6:00pm Begin 2nd revival service of the day (just as incredible, if not more so, than the 1st)
~10:30pm Arrive home w/NO VOICE and have brief convo w/pastor's wife
~11:40pm After checking e-mail, comp updates, etc. take shower
~Midnight Go to bed
And here we are...Monday morning-almost lunch time. I am so excited about revival but NOT excited about losing my voice. I hate when this happens right when I have important stuff going on. But Pastor Wright is such a breath of fresh air. His style is much like that of many services I sat in during my time in Cleveland so it is an encouragement to know that this kind of annointing and flow are still out there. God has already done miraculous things for me (especially my ministry) and many of the people in our church. And I know it's only going to get better!
So this week will be filled w/church, more Mother's Day prep, a visit to Grandmother's over the weekend, getting ready for the church picnic on Sunday, VBS/Sunday School/CE prep, and lots of other things I suppose. I'll update when I can but who knows when that will be... I've already got a list of 6 things to do just on my lunch break today so we'll see how all this goes. Many blessings to you all & know that my prayers are going up for you! We are more than conquerors and are made victorious through our Savior, Jesus Christ!
Blessings,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Friday, May 2, 2008
It's 3:26pm on a Friday...
and I am completely exhausted! This has been a looong week and I need sleep! I would love nothing more than to go home, put on my pjs, eat a quick dinner, and fall asleep reading...
But alas, this weekend is not one for rest. In the next 72 hours here's what I'll be doing:
~running home to get the few things I forgot for the below-mentioned party
~attending an 11 year old's sleepover birthday party
~cleaning up my car as much as possible so as to get the best trade-in value on it as possible
~driving to Dallas & driving back (hopefully in a new car-which means dealing w/all of that)
~finishing Sunday School lesson prep
~shopping at Wal-Mart for Sunday School supplies
~going on a double date out of town somewhere (which I've gotta plan)
~teaching Sunday School
~participating in revival which begins on Sunday at our church (which includes 2 services Sunday and 1 service each night Monday through Thursday)
~prepping Mother's Day gifts
~balancing finances
~working out 2 times somewhere amongst all this chaos
~starting the work week over again come Monday morning at 8am
Wow, that list exhausted me even more just by making it. Not to mention I didn't even list eating & sleeping (and I'm not doing much of either lately). There's a lot going on in my life so pray, saints pray! I'll be back at some point unless I collapse from complete depletion...
Blessings to you all,
BB
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
But alas, this weekend is not one for rest. In the next 72 hours here's what I'll be doing:
~running home to get the few things I forgot for the below-mentioned party
~attending an 11 year old's sleepover birthday party
~cleaning up my car as much as possible so as to get the best trade-in value on it as possible
~driving to Dallas & driving back (hopefully in a new car-which means dealing w/all of that)
~finishing Sunday School lesson prep
~shopping at Wal-Mart for Sunday School supplies
~going on a double date out of town somewhere (which I've gotta plan)
~teaching Sunday School
~participating in revival which begins on Sunday at our church (which includes 2 services Sunday and 1 service each night Monday through Thursday)
~prepping Mother's Day gifts
~balancing finances
~working out 2 times somewhere amongst all this chaos
~starting the work week over again come Monday morning at 8am
Wow, that list exhausted me even more just by making it. Not to mention I didn't even list eating & sleeping (and I'm not doing much of either lately). There's a lot going on in my life so pray, saints pray! I'll be back at some point unless I collapse from complete depletion...
Blessings to you all,
BB
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
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