Ah, To Be Young Again

Since I am homebound for the evening and have been since noon today, it's time for an update. I'm actually bored out of my mind even though I have a few things to get done and I've already been pretty productive for someone who has a sever sinus infection, no voice, and can't stop coughing to save my life.

There's not too much to say since my last post yesterday. It's funny how when I'm busy I want to be home but when I'm stuck at home, I desperately want to be busy. When I woke up this morning and barely had a voice, I decided that a doctor's visit was in order. So I went ahead to work and called the doc 15 minutes after they opened. I was in and out of there in 30 minutes so after dropping off my prescription, picking up breakfast and working a bit longer, I made my way home. I was online for a bit and tried to sleep but could only doze. So I got up and did what any sick person would do.

I made pancakes, washed dishes, filed bills, organized my planner, rearranged kitchen cabinets, took out the trash, wrote a birthday card, checked e-mails and here I am. I definitely don't like this whole "lay around the house all day" thing which is why I would never be a good housewife. I'd at least have to volunteer or work part time. (And I am definitely not opposed to either of those options.)

Since The Refining (my girls' small group meeting) last night, I haven't really been able to stop thinking about them. I had 5 teenage girls 13-17 and in all honesty, I had no idea what to do with them. Our lesson was about feeling invisible and how we aren't invisible to God but they shared so much more than I imagined they would. I am amazed at how much young women determine their value based on what boys say about them. Or even their friends. My heart breaks for them and longs for them to understand that the only opinion that matters is God's. But I catch myself, even before I say something that sounds like it came straight out of my mother's mouth, remembering how I felt at 15 and what I wouldn't have given to have just 1 boy tell me I was beautiful. The extra sad thing about this? All of those girls are beautiful and have no idea how much potential they have. But then again, at their age, neither did I. It's so ironic how similar we (girls) all are and how much we long for the same things and really just desire acceptance and love. And no matter how long I preach that God created us exactly how He wants us to be and loves us beyond anything we could ever imagine, we still just desire human love and affection-myself included. I can't tell you how many times I catch myself wishing for the days of my teenage years again and what I would do differently and how great my friends were. And then I remember the angst that every teenage girl feels and all the time I wasted focusing on boys or how good/bad I looked. As the phrase says, "If I had known then what I know now..."

I just pray God is helping them through me. I pray that they would learn to love and accept themselves as the radiant and beautiful young ladies that I know they are. And above all else to seek the approval of the only One who truly matters...

For His smile,
B

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Our greatest plans...

often go awry. Unfortunately, that's been the motto with my blog as of late. I've written 2 posts but after clicking the 'Publish Post' button, Blogger decided to erase significant chunks of my writing both times. The 1st I edited the content back in after an e-mail from my mother. The 2nd I have yet to correct and re-post (so it's sitting in my draft list) because I just haven't felt like recreating almost half of the post. One day soon, I hope but that explains my absence.

Yesterday dealt me an ugly blow by my despised enemy Mr. Reality regarding my personal life. I knew this day was coming but I was doing all I could to run the opposite direction. But I just couldn't run fast enough and he caught up with me. Thankfully, good can come from bad and God does make messages out of my messes. I am definitely learning total dependence on Him through this situation. When you've reached the end of who you are and what you have, there He begins. And the funny thing is that He wants me to reach for Him first to begin with, which I fail to do so often. I've been in similar situations before but never with such pressure that I feel now.

The irony is that lately my daily e-mail devotions have been dealing with God being faithful and working things out for me. He is my Shield, my Protector, my Defender, my Provider, my Way Maker. I especially love that in Romans, Paul asks us that if God gave us His most prized possession, His Son, so why would he withhold anything else from us? My God is faithful and always shows up on time and I know He will in this situation as well. And if it causes me to be drawn closer to Him, bring on the struggles.

On the positive side, Zeb and I have grown closer through this, as we always do during trials. He has, once again, proven himself to be the best blessing I've ever received. I am able to be 100% completely honest and he continues to love and support me as best he can long distance. Today he even e-mailed me a "Prayer Time" playlist for me to use while I spent some MUCH needed time in serious prayer. My life is blessed to the utmost because of him and I would never want to even try to find someone to compare to him-I know I'd fail miserably. He is sensitive to my needs and knows exactly what I need to feel safe and when I need a spiritual kick in the tushie (and how to say that without feeling like I'm being kicked). He really is my soulmate and that surprises me and makes me grateful beyond measure every day.

For now, I am choosing to be thankful for my blessings. Even with hardships, I am blessed-with a fabulous family and friends, job security, an amazing fiance, a progressing church, a dependable car, a nice home with all the amenities I need, and more food and clothes than I need. I realize that I am unworthily blessed and have decided to live accordingly-walking in confidence and gratitude that the Lord of creation is not just my Best Friend but my Daddy.

Blessings,
B
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

Will You Be My Valentine?

Yes, it's official. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. It's cheesy but I love LOVE and being able to do things for people just because I love them-not expecting anything in return or wanting to be recognized. People don't expect treats for Valentine's day unless they are in a committed relationship. Yet that's just what I did last year on this day. I had broken up with the reason I moved to Texas in December and was quite depressed with the expectations I had for the "Day of Love". But instead of grieving what was or could have been or would be, I decided to make treats for those around me who may not always be appreciated the way they should be. I ended up taking them to the ladies at my bank, my co-workers, and my mail delivery person. That night, I cooked myself a nice dinner and stayed in to shamelessly watch chick flicks and celebrate love...with myself.

See, the way I express my love is by giving gifts-whether they're homemade, store bought or just randomly created. I LOVE to give people things or do things for them. I love to see the look in their eyes or hear the excitement in their voice as they receive or realize I've done something for them. And it's not about the recognition really (ok, maybe a little) but for me, to brighten their day even in the smallest way is the most rewarding gift I could ever receive.

Recently, my mom and I were conversing about our lives and making a difference for people. Through all of my transition lately, I've been reflecting over my life and wondering if I've made a difference for anybody at all in my 25 years on this planet. I know I've taught classes and helped people but I wonder if my contributions have made that big of an impact on the world. In that conversation my mom reminded me of the following story by Loren Eiseley:

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

That conversation with my mom, who had been doing the same kind of introspection that I was in desperate need of, changed my view of my life. I now realize that if I make a difference for just 1 person (each day, each week, each month) that my life has purpose. I know God can use my mess to make a message and I pray He will take the mess that I make of my life sometimes a lot of the time and turn it into something beneficial for someone. May my life be always and only for His glory, pointing ever upward as I take each step in faith.

So now, each morning as I awake and get ready for my day, I ask myself:

Who's my starfish for today???

Blessings,
B
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I Deserve It

A couple weeks ago, I took a late lunch as I was acting as receptionist at my office for the day since our regular had a sick kid. As I ate my pb & j and chips and salsa, I flipped on the TV and found Rachel Ray's show was on. Granted, I am not a huge Rachel Ray fan but she was my best option at that time of day and one of her guests was Bob Greene, whose "Best Life" diet has skyrocketed to the top of the diet and fitness scene in recent months.

As Rachel interviewed Bob, they were talking about dieting, eating right, exercise and during the interview Bob made 2 statements similar to these:

1. The barrier between women and losing weight is often that they don't feel they deserve the best for themselves.

2. Being overweight is just a symptom of another area in a person's life that is lacking.

Bob, I couldn't agree more. All my life, I have observed the various women in my life (including myself) work hard and sacrifice for others yet when they needed something or felt pressured, it was their own health or mental well-being that was sacrificed. Not that men don't, but I've seen more women who feel obligatory duties and in the process lose sight of taking care of themselves. I've done the same in recent years past.

I make decisions, choose activities, knowing I don't have near enough time to get everything done and won't be able to be effective at everything. I also know I won't have any quality time for myself unless you count grabbing a pb&j for lunch and bowl of cereal for dinner as I race from work to appointment to activity to church to fall into the bed exhausted every night.

But God is changing my mind. In the past few months, I've begun to realize and be more confident in one very important fact that has changed the way I see myself and my life. That fact?

I DESERVE IT.

I deserve to say 'no' to the numerous requests for my time. I deserve scheduling 'Me' time into my busy days. I deserve the chance to assert myself and my positive qualities as I search for jobs. I deserve to take time for the people I love. I deserve to work at a job that I enjoy, not just the 1st one that comes along or pays the best. I deserve to be treated respectfully. But most of all, I deserve to treat myself as good as I treat others.

(Not to seem egotistical but...) It's a well-known fact that I will do everything within my power to help anyone I possibly can-running errands, taking care of kids, planning events, making phone calls, organizing, listening, working for, etc. But I do very little of those same things for myself. Thankfully, that's been made crystal clear in the past few months and as I embark on a new stage of my life, I am better equipped to balance my life more equally.

But the most important reason that I believe I deserve it (whatever 'it' is), is that I believe God created us to enjoy this life. And while helping our fellow mankind is of utmost importance as part of my Christian walk, nowhere in the Bible does it say to totally neglect yourself and be miserable trying to do everything for everybody else. My thought is that if I will take care of myself, I will be more capable of helping others.

So for all you women out there who work long hours, devote unlimited time to others, and sacrifice your desires for everyone else in your life, YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST! And YOU are the only person who's going to take up for you! Take the time to do things you enjoy, things that are totally out of the norm, and even things that you never thought you'd want to do. You deserve to be good to yourself and remember: You deserve it!

Blessings,
B

Judge Not

Late last week, I was browsing Facebook and was FB stalking (yes, I am one of those people) some people I know from my former life in TN when I had a sudden thought:

How often have I allowed other people's opinions influence my perception of people?

That may not be earth-shattering for you but it definitely was for me. In the not too distant past (i.e. my last couple years of college), I made close friends with some ministry mentors. We bonded quickly over our passion for ministry but also our ability to have fun. I fell in love with their kids and found myself spending A LOT of time with these friends. They challenged me in ministry, offered consolation and comfort in times of need and we always laughed together. Even though I knew I was being somewhat of a doormat by being at their beck-and-call all of the time and taking care of their kids sooo much, I was faithful and convinced myself that it would all even out in the end.

Normally, such a relationship would be appreciated. And it was. For a time. But during the course of the friendship, I allowed myself to be subjected to some harsh opinions and perceptions from said friends. And even though I picked up on it, I was brain-washed, in a sense, into believing that such thoughts were validated and justified.

But now that that friendship has ended (on some fairly bad terms), I have realized that I developed some negative character traits during the time I invested in them. And I'm determined to change them. See, during our 4 year friendship, I often listened to their thoughts, opinions, and perceptions about other people and things and then adopted those as my own thoughts, opinions and perceptions without giving them a chance and trying them for myself. In realizing this, I have also seen that I missed out on getting to know some pretty great people and trying some new stuff that could have really impacted my life. This makes me sad because I think-well, I know-that I've been rude to and not included people in my life that I should have. I've not allowed people in that could have had a positive influence on me and been good friends. I've not done things because I was too busy pouring my life into someone else's, someone who didn't care about my best interests 100%. Thankfully, I chose not to listen to them when I first met Z because look what I would have missed out on!

And honestly? I'm very ashamed of all this. I'm ashamed that I listened so intently to them and not enough to the One who knows exactly what I need and will fill every void in my life. I'm ashamed I treated others with such contempt instead of loving them and treating them with the respect and love of Christ. I'm ashamed that I hung on so tightly to the words of mere humans instead of clinging to the Word of the Almighty who is omniscient. And most of all, I'm ashamed that I let my Father down so much by being more infatuated with other people than with Him.

But thank You, Lord for 2nd chances.

I guess this post is more for myself than anyone else but I wanted to let it be known that I'm doing more exploration and attempting more new things in my life now. I'm getting to know more strangers, especially people I wouldn't normally be friends with. I'm making more evaluations of people and things and foods and activities based on my experiences. I'm going out on quite a few more limbs and I can't wait to see how much more full my life becomes!

Blessings,
B
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2

Does that make me crazy? Probably.

(Thanks Gnarls Barkley, for the blog title.)

Just when I thought things would settle down somewhat, they get intensely busier.

In a matter of 12 hours my job went on the total chaos track, wedding planning has me COMPLETELY freaked out, and church work has officially invaded and dominated every other thought I've had today. Talk about driving somebody crazy.

Today has just been a hectic day and I know that things will improve once I am gainfully employed in Tyler. I do have a phone screening set up for tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. I am just anxious to get moved and settled.

As I sat in my office manager's office just chatting about the next step for me and for the agency, I had a slap in the face thanks to my very own life. Coming to Paris has been a literal rollercoaster for me. When I first arrived, things were slow and steady. They eventually picked up until they were at full blast 24/7 it seemed, and now they have calmed back down (if only momentarily). But with all the things I've experienced-the spiritual mountaintops that made me feel invincible, the heartbreak I thought I'd never recover from, the joy that I shared with everyone I knew, the tears I cried alone some nights-all of those have helped mold me into the confident woman that I am today.

The relationship I was in when I moved here allowed me to see what I need in a man, what I desire and, in turn what I don't need-which is equally important. I learned to never settle for a man who is less than what I deserve-and I most definitely am not. He also taught me that though I may be intimidating to some, that is my confidence and self-assuredness that I automatically emit even when I am scared to death. And all of those things are ok. The time spent with that young man was worth it. I pray God's blessings on him as he seeks to find his destiny. As always, God had His best for me and that relationship was just part of the journey.

The job I have worked for the past 15 months has shown me that good can come from all situations-even a *seemingly* dead-end job. It may not have been a field I know or care about and I may have had to work with some 'interesting' characters while I've been there, but God has used me and I am confident of that. Without sounding haughty, my co-workers have needed to be reminded of the grace of God and the unconditional love He bestows even if they haven't fully accepted it. If nothing else, they needed the smiling face and positive attitude I've attempted to have while being there. And it's done them some good to see a person who can get along with everyone and not participate in office politics that they tire themselves on daily. Not to mention that I've learned more about insurance than I ever thought I'd know which will serve me very well in the future.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is that times of solitude are often when God can till the garden of my heart and then plant and cultivate His ultimate plan for my life. Has my time in Paris been a walk in the park? Not by any means. But had I not come here, I would have never slowed down enough to turn down the noise of my busy life and listen to His still, small voice gently calling me to ministry. Sure, I knew I wanted to be in ministry but I would have never anticipated the opportunity of being so intensely involved. And that involvement led me to be assured that as I lean on Him to Pilot my life, He will make me far more successful and satisfied than my own schemes would have been. Paris will forever be my launching pad for the ministry and even with the heartache this town has seen me through, I will always remember it fondly and be grateful for the opportunity to have served here.

But with this new year, I am on to new and different opportunities. I don't believe places can ever be adequately compared as each church and ministry is its own. But as Paris held great experiences and opportunities, Tyler holds even more. And I can't wait to embark on that leg of my journey!

Blessings,
B
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I have decided to follow Jesus

I found myself singing that song with more passion than ever this Sunday morning before Christmas. The pastor had just finished his holiday sermon about the Life, Love, and Logos of the Word and I was just one in the sea of people in that big Baptist church. Without going into a lot of detail, there were some events that transpired at the church I joined and had been so faithful to during my time in Paris that made it pretty much impossible for me to continue attend. Fortunately, I guess you could say, I've been out of town every weekend for the past month so I hadn't dealt with the blow of attending another church in town. Until today. But I resigned myself to going to this particular church as I had gone to a women's conference there back in February and had been quite impressed.

In all honesty, I kind of expected to feel like a fish out of water. It had been this way last Christmas after the guy I was dating, considered marrying, and moved to Paris for broke up with me. He was the youth pastor at our church and I wondered if I'd ever be able to be a member there and be comfortable again. In fact, over the Christmas holidays, I started the process of preparing to move back east, to NC, where I knew I could settle back into the comfort of home. Christmas hadn't been the joyous, heartfelt holiday it had always been and I had suffered through every minute of it. We all know that story had a different ending but this year, I found myself in much of the same situation. I was mourning the loss of a dear friendship and the loss of the safe haven that church had been to me. Yet again in the throes of transition with preparations to move, start a new job and get married, I didn't see how this Christmas was any more joyful than the last and was throwing a great pity party for myself.

But there I was, seated in the flawlessly decorated sanctuary, listening to the pianist play this childhood favorite. And though the rest of the congregation remained silent, I couldn't help but allow the words to spill over my lips. For it was in that moment, the sweet, hushed voice of the Holy Spirit reminded me what my life is really supposed to be about. And as I closed my eyes and bowed my head and continued to sing softly, I began to realize again that I had made a choice to follow Jesus and there would be no turning back. I could allow my life to be overrun by circumstances and worldly things or I could die daily to myself and pick up my cross to follow Him.

So there, in that big, Baptist church, singing a non-traditional Christmas song, I relinquished control again to the only Man who sees me in all my imperfections but still continues to love me perfectly and I began to see the true meaning of Christmas.

Blessings,
B
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

At this exact moment...

I hate the evils of technology. E-mail, twitter, text, instant message, blogs... ALL OF IT! Why, oh why, am I so full of hate? Only because when using any of the above listed means of communication, the tone or inflection of anything written is questionable. And that small detail is causing some serious trouble in my life right now.

Don't worry. I'll get over my strong feelings soon but let me offer a small word of advice-CALL. If there is any question that what you are trying to say may be received differently than it is intended, just call whomever you're communicating with. You'll save yourself a LOT of trouble & apologizing. And you might even stay out of the doghouse.



Blessings,
B
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

And for the record...

Changing jobs/desks at my office = mass confusion. Especially since the office manager isn't here today and these girls need some hand-holding when it comes to such commotion.

But this is just the beginning. Today it's my desk, in the next few weeks it will be my house, and within the year my entire life will be completely different than it is today. I choose to look at it as a renovation, updating, if you will. My life at this point is good-things are moving along at a steady pace and I'm comfortable. But it's time to step out of my comfort zone-in a lot of areas. And so here it comes, the dreaded 'C' word...CHANGE. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

This should cause fear, trepidation, and uneasiness. I should be stressed, doubtful and anxious. Yet for me, it is different. There is courage, not fear. There is contentment, not trepidation. There is peace, not uneasiness. I am relaxed, not stressed. I am confident, not doubtful. I am assured, not anxious.

And all because I know Who holds my future & whose Hand I hold.

Blessings,
B

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23

These Times They Are A-Changin'

CHANGE IS HARD.

Yeah, yeah. I know after such a long period of silence you probably want to read something a bit more revolutionary. But I'm sticking to what I know and I know change is hard.

There's a lot in my life that seems to be changing. Actually, the majority of what is changing is me. If you had asked me even just 3 months ago where I thought I'd be by Thanksgiving, I don't know exactly what I would have said but I certainly wouldn't have anticipated being here of all places.

Now, I know what you're thinking (Mom) and no, I'm not moving. This week anyway. My life just seems to have taken off on a spin of it's own, completely out of my control. Which, if you know me at all, is very unprecedented. I'm usually on top of things and have a plan for at least the next 7.2 weeks. But somehow, there is a plan that is being laid out before me that is not my own. And well, my only conclusion is that the other Person who is control of my life must be laying it out. And for once, I'm ok with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and a wee bit skeert but overall, there's a calming Voice assuring me that 'This is how it's supposed to be.' So I just keep walking and trusting, my hand in His.

I read an article this morning, well, really a blog from Jeremi Richardson of the group Avalon. In his writing, Jeremi recounts reading Dr. Randy Pausch's book (author of The Last Lecture) and reconsidering all the 'brick walls' in his life. Over the past year, give or take a few months, I've made lots of plans only to meet, in many cases, a brick wall. So many times, I consider those brick walls a stopping point, concluding that if I meet such a wall, then what's on the other side must not be meant for me and my life. But Jeremi poses some good thoughts that he gleaned from Dr. Pausch's book about those walls, especially this one:

Brick walls are there for a reason, they let us prove how badly we want something.

So I'm left with questions. And driven to this prayer:

Lord,
Help me accept the brick walls that signify an end to my journey in that direction. Help me continue to persevere in the direction of those that signify simply an obstacle to prove my desire for what's on the other side. But most importantly Lord, give me the discernment to identify which is which and the wisdom to know the difference. I trust You.
Your daughter,
Bethany.

Here's hoping that you'll be able to pray a similar prayer soon.

Blessings,
Bethany

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I Live For Weekends!

My older brother had a shirt with a cartoon duck saying that on it when he was in junior high. Oh yes, here's a picture to prove it:


That, ladies and gentleman, is the face of a champion. :) The caption he has under this pic on his Facebook account? And I quote, "That look on my face is "Mom's gonna kill me when she realizes I wore my 'I live for weekends' t-shirt on picture day"".

Is it sad that for me, that statement is true? I really do live for weekends. Friday nights spent traveling to see loved ones or being lazy or hanging out with friends; Saturdays spent with those loved ones or being lazy or cleaning or writing or reading; Sundays spent at church with afternoon naps and random meals. That is what I live for.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my weekdays. They just aren't my favorites. Especially Mondays. But it's funny to me how some very significant things can take place on weekdays and really, our weekdays determine our weekends, they set the tone. If we get a lot done during the week, we may get the occasional lazy weekend. If we are lazy during the week, we work on our days off. And sometimes, it's both-a busy week AND a busy weekend. Unfortunately, my life consists of mostly the last option.

But here's the question I ask myself at least once, every day:

Is what I'm doing making a difference???

Now I realize we all have obligations. I'm single so I am solely responsible for the upkeep of my home and taking care of tasks every day. Me having a lazy day means that I'll be the only one making up for it later. But I'm starting to learn the ebb and flow of that. However, the times when this question is really prominent are when I'm running around, acting like a mad woman trying to get anything accomplished. It's in those moments when my inner voice, the Holy Spirit, seems to flash that question across my mind.

And it's in those moments that I completely understand what is meant in Ecclesiastes 1:2-3: "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?

Those words really hit home when you feel that's what your whole life's work is sometimes. They stir up feelings of anger, sadness, regret, contempt, even jealousy (towards others who seem more fulfilled). Yes, I know I make a difference for a lot of people in my church and in my life. But I think you, my faithful Blab readers, understand what I mean. I want to 'know in my knower' and 'feel in my feeler' that I'm making a difference. I want to see the fruits of my labor. It's my desire to leave my mark on the world. A mark that only I, Bethany Ann Pearce, can leave.

I believe that one day, at the end of all of our journeys, we'll stand before our Creator, the Author & Finisher of our faith, and He'll ask us what marks we made on the world. I don't think He'll ask us the number of marks but about the quality of the marks we were able to make. Did we truly give Him glory through the marks we were able to make in the places we were able to make them? He won't compare our marks to anyone else's but He will compare the marks we made to our potential. And I want to be able to stand and confidently say, "Lord, I made the best marks I could."

So let me ask you this: Are you leaving your you-shaped mark???

It's Nice To Meet You

Her name was Shirley Faye Early although I didn't know that when I saw her.

As I drove back to the office after a relaxing lunch hour, I passed her as I took my turn by the Mexican restaurant as I do every day. A few minutes early, I planned to clock in and regain a few of the minutes I had lost by being late this morning-as I am almost every day. But as I saw the little lady, dressed in red, hands full of grocery bags walking feebly down that street, my eyes took a second glance and then my heart began to pound. And that's when I knew this was my chance-my chance to make a difference.

Since most of you readers aren't part of my everyday life, I'll fill you in. Lately my prayers have been all about making a difference. Yes, I stay busy and yes, most of the things I do to stay busy have to do with God's work. And while I realize that church work does make a difference, my desire is to actually make a difference for individuals-to shine Jesus' light for them to see. Which is how I met Shirley Faye Early.

So as I found the nearest semi-circle drive, a million thoughts ran through my mind. My mom and her stories of picking up pedestrians who appeared in need... The countless warnings she and my dad had given me when I started driving about picking up strangers... But none of that mattered now. I knew I was meant to pick up that little, feeble woman. I turned around and pulled up beside her on the side street she was now walking. I could smell that she hadn't had a good bath in days and she was missing most, if not all of her teeth but the way she called me "dear" broke my heart for this kind woman. After accepting my offer for a ride, she showed me her right hand which had numerous stitches along the proximal joint of her pinky finger and explained that she had to be careful and that's why she was walking so slow. She directed me to the apartment complex where she lived and even helped me dodge the potholes along the street that ran in front of it.

As we pulled up to the row she lived in, I offered to help her get the groceries in (including the loaf of bread that had been mashed during the first part of her trek home) and we made our way to her home-a small one bedroom, one bath musty-smelling apartment. It appeared clean, just cluttered with artifacts that evidenced a full life history. I was only there briefly and didn't take much in but as I told her thank you for allowing me to drive her, I asked her name.

"Shirley, Shirley Faye Early," came the reply and I felt her arms wrap around me in the tightest embrace I've felt in a long time.

"God bless you, Ms. Early," I responded as I headed out the door. "You too," was her response and I uttered a "see you later" and was gone.

Why this seemingly small incident has affected me to such depth, I have no idea. Except that I know it was a "God moment". I truly believe He used this event to remind me of my passion for serving others-even in the smallest of ways. Sure it cost me about 5 minutes of my time and a little effort but other than that, this favor was free. It didn't even incur a gallon of gasoline. So why am I not doing these things more often???

Because I'm selfish. I'm spoiled. I'm self-absorbed. I go through my daily routine and do what pleases me, what makes me happy, what satisfies me. And I get defensive if I start feeling prompted to do more because "I'm already sacrificing so much for the church." Here's the thing though: God doesn't need me to save the church; He needs me to save the lost. Churched people have already found Him, or at least are on their way and have found a safe refuge with the opportunity to do so. But people in the world are far more vulnerable to Satan and his lies and deceit. So I must be His hands and feet. I must speak His words and give His hugs. I must give the gifts of hope and joy to a dying and depressed world. Not only does it help those who are searching but it fulfills me.

And through the help of my Jesus, my minute efforts can be grandiose gestures for the Shirley Faye Earlys of the world.

What's In A Name?

Bethany Ann Pearce

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Growing up, I've had more than my share of nicknames and for the most part, I love them. Being called by so many terms of endearment makes me feel loved and helps me know that I mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Here's just a few...

*BAP to all my high school friends
*Bethany Ann to my mother when she is mad
*Bet to my dad
*Boo to a church friend in high school
*BP to a former boss
*BB to my 2nd family
*Betania to my Spanish/Brazilian friends
*Bethany Pearcey to a former boss & an ex
*Betty to an old college roommate
*Betney to another old roommate
*Anne to my French classmates
*Brittany to some confused elderly people
*Thunder Thighs to a "dear" friend
*Heifer to some other "precious" friends

And those are just a few. Over the years I've been called just about any variation of Bethany or BAP you can think of. My least favorite? Beth. Yes, that's worse to me than either of the last 2 I listed. I happen to like my full name and hate the shortened version. But most of the time, I can be called by any of those names or variations and I will answer. Any person could call any of them and I'd come running. And the funny thing is that I'd probably be able to tell who was calling me just by the choice of name used.

I think that's how God is too.

During my prayer times lately I've been thinking about all the names of God. I'm definitely not a theologian but I know a few and what they mean and have been very interested to learn more. What is so amazing to me is that my God, the God who led the Israelites out of Egypt and eventually into the Promised Land, who sent prophecies through His servants proclaiming the coming of His only Son to save all humanity to eternal life, who gave up His most prized possession, who orchestrated all of the miracles of the new Testament and who has sustained His followers throughout history hears me, my feeble cry when I simply whisper His name-Jesus.

That astounds me.

And not only does He hear the whispered prayers, but He responds to my angry wailing, my grateful shouting and my heartfelt praising. He knows exactly what I (or anyone else for that matter) need just by the name I call Him. He hears me if I call Him by Jesus or any of His other countless names. Some of my favorites are:

*Adonai: Sovereign Lord
*El Shaddai: All-Sufficient God
*El Roi: God who sees me
*Immanuel: God with us
*Jehovah Rophe: The Lord our Healer
*Jehovah Jireh: The Lord our Provider
*Jehovah Nissi: The Lord our Banner
*Jehovah Shammah: The Lord is Present
*Jehovah Tsidkenu: The Lord our Righteousness

There are so many more (and I encourage you to become aware of them) but these are just the first ones that come to mind. I am comforted that God, my God, can be so many things to me. Better yet, He can be so many things to so many people all at the same time. I am quite honestly in awe that the God of the universe, who created all things and all beings, takes time to give me His attention and not just that but the presence of His Holy Spirit is so vast that it is all around the globe yet even within me. How does this happen? How can it be?

But that's the beauty of our Lord and our faith. He is infinite and unfathomable. Our human finite minds cannot comprehend the vastness of deity that He is. And you know, even though that frustrates me so much, it's comforting at the same time. Because in knowing that He is such an incomprehensible God, I am reminded that He is so much bigger than me and more knoweldgeable that I am. His daily view is of the big picture of our lives, of the universe. And even though He doesn't get bogged down with daily 'junk', He is concerned with the details of my life. And of yours.

That is so mind-boggling to me and yet I am grateful. My feeble words could never express the gratitude I have for my Lord, my God, my Jesus. It is my prayer that you will find Him to be all that you, your heart, could ever need or want.

Blessings,
B
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. " Isaiah 55:8-9

Torn

When it comes to important, life-altering decisions, I love getting advice from other people. Problem is, I love getting advice from other people so much that I sometimes lose my own opinion and voice among all the others I'm hearing. Biggest problem is, I forget to seek advice from the only person who knows the final outcome of my life-the Lord.

I've been stretched to my emotional limit max as of late and haven't dealt with it well. There are so many situations that are very unstable in my life right now and as a result of that instability, I have become an unstable person. I know I've been running the opposite direction of the way I need to be but life (for many people including myself) has gotten so hard lately.

So now, I'm searching for what I feel, what I want, what I need. And I don't really want any more unsolicited (and at times, even solicited) advice. Because that just results in me feeling very torn between what I feel, in both my head and my heart, and the other opinions that are expressed. I've got to seek the ultimate Organizer of my life, my Agent. I need to find out what He has me scheduled for so that I can hurry up and get on with it.

I realize this hasn't been the most uplifting post (and it may not have made any sense to some of you reading) but I'm not really sorry about it. We all have ups and downs, good and bad. Today just happens to be one of my "off" days. And now that I'm taking a stand and am going to make a conscientious effort to be more of the woman God created me to be, I'm expecting the turnaround. And the God I serve, is large and in charge-of my life and my future.

Happy Hump Day

Now that TI30 is over, I don't really know what to write about? What did I write about before TI30??? ... Oh yeah, not much of anything.

This week has been fairly calm-thanktheLord. After a chaotic past few weeks (no, mom & dad, you didn't make things chaotic), I'm ready to be back in my routine. Isn't that funny? How most of the time, we long for something different, something exciting and then when something different and exciting happens, we want things to get back to "normal"? Ok, maybe you don't feel that way but I do. I am a closet creature of habit. :) That's just my personality-perhaps because I'm a planner and want things mapped out. So when something throws a kink in the plans, I get a little uptight.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what the next step is for me, where my future is headed. I'll admit, I've wandered around a bit attempting to create my own path myself but I've recently rediscovered the Way and am learning to embrace His plan and His will. It's not easy for someone like me to trust. I don't suppose it's easy for any of us to trust a Being we've never seen, never touched. But I believe that's the purpose of faith. If we had seen and had touched our Creator, how hard would it be to trust Him? But our beliefs are tested by the challenge to put our hand in His and take the next step with each new day.

I'll also admit I haven't done so great with taking His hand every day here lately. It's seemed so much easier to walk in front of Him, me leading as He follows and watches. That's my comfort zone-me taking the lead and being in charge and letting Him just observe. Even though I know that's not the intended plan for my life, it just seems to come so naturally-as I guess it should since He created us to be beings of choice. But you know what has happened? Sure, I've been happy during the process with being able to lead myself and make my own decisions. But I've been very dissatisfied with the end results. At the close of every day, I long to see an area where I made a difference or truly accomplished something of worth. But I have nothing to show for all my toil. Why? Because although I did everything the way I wanted to, I did it my way-instead of under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

So I'm working on that-taking time to hear direction from God and then acting on it rather than taking action and hoping it fits into God's plan for me. I believe I will feel a greater sense of purpose and accomplishment-not that I should boast anyway. It's not I who lives, it's Christ in me. (Galatians 2:20) So as I seek to correct my mistakes, please show a little grace with me. It will go a long way. And the amount of grace that you show to me, I'll be happy to return.

Here's to praying the Lord will lead you instead of just observe you.

Blessings,
B
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Day 17

Yes, I know what time it is and yes, I know I'm late for TI30. But I was absolutely exhausted last night. I had run all day long and when I got home I worked on the church directory until late. Gotta love projects that people start and don't finish that I have to pick up. But it will be so good to get a decent directory. I also got to catch up w/long, lost best friend, Matt. Haven't spoken with him in probably 2 months and it was so good to hear his voice. Can't believe he's getting married in 6 months but I'm happy for him. Needless to say, I was too tired to write last night so here's yesterday's list.

Thankful in 30



1. It was my one year anniversary at work which is so weird to me. I can't believe I've lived in Texas for over a year and have been working in insurance that long now. I became quite reflective when I realized it halfway through the day but I have to say I'm thankful for my first full, productive year of growth here in Texas. While things haven't turned out exactly the way I thought they would, God has brought me farther than I thought possible. He has pulled me out of my comfort zone (kicking & screaming) and taught me lessons on life, love, spirituality, and most importantly, myself. Now I know that I'm a much stronger person than I thought and with Him on my side, I can conquer anything. In the past 12 months, I've seen the lowest valleys of my life and soared to the highest mountains. And looking back, my God has been MORE than faithful. He's given me His best, even when I thought it should have been something different. He's treated me like the princess that I am in Him and I could never say enough about His mercy and grace.

Thank you, Lord for the lessons I've learned and the ways You have placed me on the Potter's wheel when I've been at my ugliest, most broken state only to refine me, shape me, and mold me into more of the woman You created me to be.

2. I'm thankful for the friends and family that have seen me through the past year. Yes, it's strained many relationships but I think God allows times of turmoil to make us (me) more appreciative of the bonds we share. I know that is especially true for me and I'm just thankful to have had people to walk with me along this part of my trek.






3. Lastly, I'd like to say thank you to (and for) the people who mean the world to me. Mom & Dad, thank you for raising me in a Christian home. Thank you for recognizing that I'd need a relationship with the Lord to help me through my life's journey. Thank you for allowing me to spread my wings and fly even when you felt like keeping me in the nest a little longer. My salvation is definitely a gift from God but I would never have received it had I not had praying parents who shared it with me. I'll never forget that night of revival, sitting in Dad's office, and praying the prayer of repentance. An insignificant moment for the rest of the world but a life-altering one for me; one that forever changed the course of my future. I would not be the woman that I am today without the blood of Jesus covering my life and more importantly, my sins. So thank you Mom and Dad, for being faithful to the cause of Christ and trusting the Lord with me. Because of Proverbs 22:6 ("Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.), I believe and know that one day, we'll see your sons come back to the same saving knowledge and recognition of Jesus that I have. He never said they wouldn't wander away so we must trust them into His hands. However, until the day they return, I vow to band with you as we stand in the gap for them, praying for God to do whatever it takes to restore them.

Ok, I think I've "spreached" enough. As you can see, I have a lot to be thankful for and could never fully express my gratitude for all the blessings in my life. But I'll keep trying...

Blessings,
B
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

P.S. Don't let the image fool you, I'm still a North Carolinian at heart! :)

Yep

I'm blogging and it's not even time for TI30 yet. :)

I just wanted to share how good God is-in case you need any reminding. As I shared last night, my mood has not been the best as of late. My brain is tired of thinking through different situations in my life and my heart is tired of worrying about it all. There are a lot of changes getting ready to take place around me and for once, I feel fairly stable. Besides my work situation, everything else in my life is on the up and up. But that is not the case for many of the people I am close to-several are in the process of major re-locations and for some reason, I find worrying about it all much easier than just laying it at the feet of Jesus. Although I know He can bear it much better than I can (and He already knows the outcome), I like to be in control-or at least think I am-and hold on to the weight of the burden. Not to mention the spiritual dry spell I am going through but that's another blog for another day.

So after feeling down in my spirit for the past few days, I come into the office today, check my e-mail, and find this as the devotion from the daily devotional e-mail I receive:

Today's Verse from the New Living Translation

The LORD always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does. The LORD helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. … The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness. The LORD is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. Psalm 145:13–14, 17–19 view in context

Encouragement for Today

Do you feel overwhelmed, weighed down beneath heavy burdens of too much responsibility, poor health, wayward children, or financial woes? Don't be afraid to call on God and cry out to him for help. If the truth is that you're in dire need of help, that's okay—call on God. Whatever your situation is, take it to God. Trust that he's "gracious in all he does" and "filled with kindness." Believe that he's close to you and will grant your deepest desires.

Now, my friend, tell me my God isn't good!?!?! I am amazed at how intently He listens to my cares and concerns and provides before I even know what I need. Why He is so loving and giving to me, I'll never know but I'm so grateful that He is. Thank You, Lord.

Back with more later,
B

Grace

I picked up Blue Like Jazz again today. (Check it out if you haven't already.) Had started it months ago after hearing the rave reviews and for whatever reason got sidetracked and put it down. A shame because Miller makes such valid points like the one I read today. Chapter 7 is entitled Grace and it hit really close to home. Growing up in a minister's home, I lived in a fishbowl with each congregant of my church watching my every move (as well as those of my brothers) just waiting for me to screw up and become the "heathen music pastor's daughter". In my mind, I only truly fulfilled that title maybe 3 or 4 times in my 18 years at that church. Sure I acted up just like every other child in the church but I only really performed seemingly "unforgivable" sins those handful of times. But as I grew up, I learned a lesson from my mother that I struggle with to this day: I must have it all together (or at least appear as such). I always felt that it was important for me to be strong for my friends, for my parents, for my church and to always take a leadership role, placing myself slightly above the other church members-in whatever area applied. I have lived in this position ever since those tender teenage years and have only recently come to understand that everybody knows I don't have it all together (although I've fooled many) just as they don't either. I've been forced to reconcile myself to the fact that when I do have it all together,I've reached the point I don't need God because when I can handle myself without Him, I refuse His love. Which is somewhat the point Miller made during his Grace chapter.

"Like Rick, I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity." (Miller p.85)

That statement could not be any more true in my own life. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very independent person. When I put my mind to something, it's going to get done. Period. End of story. So for me to admit that I can't get to heaven on my own, that I MUST rely on God and His FREE grace, goes completely again my innate nature. I want to be able to earn it or work for it or do something, anything to merit it. But I can't. And too many times I've allowed the enemy to steal my blessing simply because I won't humble myself enough to acknowledge (in front of others) that I need God's free, endless grace.

So today I'm saying this:
God, it's me again, Bethany. I realize I can't earn Your grace or Your love so I surrender today and give myself up to You. Take what little I have to offer and apply Your infinite love to it and use me, Lord. I am Your servant in need of mercy that I cannot win, earn or buy and I am so unworthy of such a marvelous gift. Thank you for unmerited favor. All my love belongs to You.

Blessings,
Bethany
And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. Romans 11:6

P.S. Another passage from the same chapter that I really love:
"Rick says that I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love , I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." (Miller p. 86)

The end is coming...

Hello all you faithful readers out there Mom & Dad!

I haven't done very well with keeping up with my VBS posts. I promise there will be a re-cap complete with pictures in the near future after I get tonight behind me. We're having the water slide, dunking booth (poor pastor), snow cones, popcorn & hot dogs tonight at family night and I'm excited! Not because it's the end of VBS (although truth be told, I will sleep much better-and longer tonight) but because I can't wait to see the kids having a blast tonight! Deep down, I love acting as crazy as they do but most of the time I have to keep myself in the "24 and acting it" group so it's been fun to act like an 8 year old all week!

There's a lot of good stuff going on in my life. So much so, that'd I'd like to bring in our favorite friend, Mr. List to help me share it. Shall we???

~With the end of VBS in sight and no work tomorrow, I'll get to make my 1st trip to Canton, TX tomorrow w/my friend Ash and her parents. While I wish I were going to be with my parents for the 4th, the next best thing are hers so I'm sure we'll enjoy the day.

~The month of July has been declared "Organize the Church" month. Our church is in SERIOUS need of organization and I'm planning to hit it hard after I take a couple days to recover from VBS. It is much needed and just happens to be one of my gifts so I'm gonna run with it. After that, August is "Nursery" month where I'm going to attempt to paint and redecorate our nursery (w/some help). I'm excited about tackling these tasks and planning more events like a Back-To-School bash and Christmas program with several other things thrown in the mix.

~I've had the privilege of chatting for the past few days with a very endearing guy from Arlington. He's a youth pastor, has great grammar, and is very wise for his age which is a year younger than me. I'm excited about having lunch with him Monday as his family passes through town on their way to visit family in OK. Z, if you're reading, thanks again for everything! It's been great!

~Only 16 more days until I leave for NC w/Ash! I can't wait to be with family and put my feet on my home soil again. I sure do miss that state-especially with everyone trying to convince me that the lake is just as good as the beach. They've obviously never been to a NC beach! Home sweet home!

~As a closing, I'd like to say that I screw up majorly sometimes. I get in my flesh and as my friend Z says, sometimes it's easier to fight the devil than to fight your flesh. But the amazing thing to me is that regardless of what I do, God's love for me never changes. I've learned that the hard way the past couple of weeks-I've made some bad decisions and not handled myself properly but I'm so thankful that my God still opens His arms to love on me as I repent and turn from my sin. He is a faithful God whose love never changes and who He, Himself never changes. I am thankful that even in my failure, His strength is perfect.

Blessings to you all & have a happy July the 4th as we celebrate and thank God for the independence we have as a country!

~B
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
2 Corinthians 3:17

Honestly...

Such was the title of the devotion I shared w/the women at my church's ladies meeting last night. After the past couple weeks completely consumed with VBS prep, Sunday School networking, curriculum research, work training & office stress, & Wednesday night duties, my mind was literally thrown into a frenzy even thinking about speaking to the ladies. What did I have to share w/them? What could I possibly have that would encourage or edify them? Could I even get my mind focused long enough to hear from God???

So I set about Monday to try to capture the heart of God-for Thursday night at least. I was extremely frustrated by Tuesday night when I had made no progress & fear of failure was beginning to set in. Our pastor's wife, who normally leads the meetings, had pretty much left me to my own devices for this one and I knew I had to bring it, for her sake at least. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I finally made some progress and got started on some thoughts. And in the wee hours of Thursday morning, I made more progress. Finally, by noon on Thursday, I knew I had caught what God wanted to speak through me so I set to typing & gathering info. By yesterday evening, I had bought decorations and made our tables a plethora of pink & was ready to "do my thing".

What exactly did I speak about??? Well, in a nutshell, it was all about honesty with God. My fabulous mom sent me an article several months ago by a lady who is single and waiting for God to bring her soulmate to her. In her writing, she talks about feeling like a 5th wheel after her 2 best friends got married. She felt overlooked, like God was failing to meet her need/desire for romance. So one day, she "took off her prayer gloves" and got completely honest with God-telling Him that though He said He could meet her every need, she had this great need for romance that wasn't getting met.

That article changed my prayer life. As I shared w/the ladies last night, I've been "saved" my whole life. And I've been taught to pray. But for the majority of the past almost 20 years of my relationship w/God, I've only prayed prayers that I thought God wanted me to pray. You know which ones I'm talking about-with the eloquent words, the promises of God ("I know you're taking care of me"), the truths I wanted to believe. And those prayers, at times, have been sincere & from my heart. But the problem is that most of the time, they were only from part of my heart-not my whole heart. I only prayed w/the part of me that I felt I could trust God with, the part I felt that He wouldn't reject.

But the honesty of the author of that article changed my view of prayer. See, God created me-quirks, OCD tendencies, flaws and all. He knows me-my thoughts, my words, my actions-even before I think of doing them. So if He knows my inner being (Psalm 139), why do I try to hide things from Him?

Case in point:
When I'm tired of hearing about all my friends getting married & having babies, why do my prayers sound like this:
"God, I trust that you're taking care of bringing my soulmate to me. I know that I just have to be patient and wait for Your timing. I trust You and know that when it does happen, it will be Your will."
instead of this:
"God, what is wrong with me? Why do all my heathen friends get to enjoy the sanctity of marriage and I've been pure and devoted to You and Your work and keep getting the shaft when it comes to relationships? This isn't fair & I'm mad at You for not giving me the desires of my heart. I'm tired of thinking I've found Mr. Right, only to find out he only wants to be Mr. Right Now. My eggs are dry rotting here..."
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Now, I know that it doesn't bode well to be mad at God a lot, but I also know that He already knows I'm frustrated and hurting so I may as well just be honest about my emotions. So now, instead of putting on this big, religious show for God when I pray, I talk to Him like I do my mom. I tell Him how angry, hurt, happy, tickled pink, joyful, sorry, sad I feel. I give Him all the gory details of my desires & my dreams. He knows 'em anyway so I guess sometimes, it helps me too just to get it out. I figure I may as well tell Him the truth now than have Him give me a spiritual spanking later. And the thing of it is, now that I am more honest and open with Him, I'm finding that He's a much bigger God than I used to give Him credit for. And regardless of how I feel or what I do or say-He loves me and accepts me not just as I am, but just as I am in Him.

Honestly,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26